


The One with the Cereal Arsonist

by Tkeyla



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 11:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4433573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tkeyla/pseuds/Tkeyla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five-0 scrambles to find a cereal arsonist before the entire island turns to toast.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One with the Cereal Arsonist

**Author's Note:**

> Complete and utter crack. Because sometimes you just need to write stupid.

“We have another hot one,” Chin says from where he’s standing by the tech table. His tone is a familiar mix of exasperation and resignation.  
  
“What kind?” Danny asks as he emerges from his office, shoulders slumped, hands stuffed in his pockets.  
  
Steve and Kono have also come to the table, looking down to see if they can determine the latest target of the arsonist they’ve been tracking, a criminal who has so far been as slippery as an eel in eluding their grasp.  
  
“Cap’n Crunch,” Chin reports, putting the scene of the six foot high smoldering ruins on the overhead screens.  
  
“Oh no. That takes the cake,” Danny protests, rallying into indignation at the sight of the pile of charred and ruined boxes. “This…this is just not right.”  
  
“But the first five fires were okay?” Steve asks, barely hidden amusement in his voice.  
  
“No, they were in no way okay,” Danny says, pointing at the screen. “But Cap’n Crunch? That’s… that’s…” His voice trails off as he shakes his head in utter dismay.  
  
“It’s his favorite?” Kono asks Steve, watching Steve watch Danny with the twinkle in his eye that only appears when Danny is close by.  
  
“Grace’s,” Steve corrects.  
  
“Although s _omeone_ tries to stop her from eating it,” Danny claims but Steve knows the truth and mostly ignores his comment.  
  
“Where is this?” Steve asks, pulling his attention away from Danny to ask Chin for the location.  
  
“Vacant lot half a mile from the entrance to Kapalama Channel,” Chin reports.  
  
“Tell us again _why_ exactly the Governor’s elite task force is on the trail of a cereal arsonist,” Kono says, voicing what they have all been thinking.  
  
“It was either this or investigating who is stealing from the Dole orchards,” Steve reminds them, although he doesn’t sound all that convinced that either case is their cup of tea.  
  
“You know how to pick ‘em,” Chin has to say.  
  
“This is the plum job,” Kono declares after considering the two choices. “That’s why you are the big cheese.”  
  
“I thought this was preferable,” Steve says, no conviction in his tone. “All right. Let’s get to the scene.”  
  
The others automatically follow him out and down to their cars, Danny bitching the entire way about the inhumanity that the arsonist continues to perpetrate against the cereal lovers of Honolulu. Steve mostly listens as he drives the Camaro toward the docks.  
  
“Why not granola?” Danny demands, as usual full of piss and vinegar once he’s on a roll. “Or wheat germ?”  
  
“Those are healthy,” Steve reminds him. “The arsonist only destroys high sugar cereal.”  
  
“I’d suspect you if I weren’t sure of your whereabouts last night and this morning,” Danny says, trying to give the evil eye but not succeeding. The memories of what they were doing last night and this morning makes being angry impossible.  
  
“Inside you were my whereabouts,” Steve reminds him unnecessarily.  
  
“Control freak,” Danny mutters.  
  
“Didn’t hear any complaints earlier,” Steve says.  
  
“Shut up if you ever want to feast on this fine morsel again,” Danny says, waving at himself in demonstration.  
  
“I can have my cake and eat it too,” Steve laughs, making it harder for Danny to continue to frown at him.  
  
“And you certainly did,” Danny confirms.  
  
“Yep,” Steve agrees, looking like the cat that ate the canary.  
  
“ _You_ have to tell Grace that the latest target was Cap’n Crunch,” Danny says.  
  
“Since we have five boxes in the pantry, I don’t think she’ll be too torn up about it.”  
  
“There is that. And since you hermetically sealed them in 22 nd century shrink wrap, we know they’ll still be there and edible through the next ice age,” Danny agrees.  
  
“I wasn’t going to risk her running out of Cap’n Crunch,” Steve says although he doesn’t need to remind Danny.  
  
“You spoil her.”  
  
“And you don’t?” Steve says, pointing out the obvious.  
  
“Shut up,” Danny repeats. Steve laughs, knowing he’s won this round.  
  
Before Steve finishes laughing, they arrive at the crime scene, yellow tape enclosing a mound of what was once cardboard and cereal. Now it’s ash and smoke.  
  
“Have any tidbits for us?” Steve asks Duke after he lifts the tape to allow them to the scene of carnage.  
  
“A few,” Duke says, pointing to the area closest to the exit road from the harbor. “Same tire treads. Same accelerant.”  
  
“Charcoal lighter fluid?” Kono asks as she comes up next to the others, peering down at the remains.  
  
“Just like the others,” Duke agrees. “Techs are trying to see if they can lift prints but they are pretty sure it will be fruitless.”  
  
“Same as before,” Steve confirms, looking around the industrial area that has seen better days. It is run down and has nearly as many abandoned buildings as occupied ones. “Don’t suppose there are any cameras.”  
  
“None,” Duke says as expected. “Ship’s been in harbor less than 24 hours. It’s had two guards around the clock. Harbor master thinks it’s an inside job.”  
  
Danny has to shake his head. “Different brands. Different ships. Different ports of origins.”  
  
“I reminded him of all that,” Duke says. “The only commonality is Kapalama Channel.”  
  
“So the harbor master thinks it’s his rat in the corn?” Steve asks.  
  
“He doesn’t see how the arsonist’s making off with the goods otherwise,” Duke says. “He’s given me a list of their employees. I’ve forwarded it to you. Don’t think it will help but maybe one of the vines will bear fruit.”  
  
“Yeah,” Steve says, turning to Chin who has come up with Max. “This hasn’t turned into a murder case, has it?”  
  
“No, Commander,” Max assures him. “I heard it on the radio as I was on my way to the office. Thought I could lend a hand. Although my expertise is in the deceased, I am a fully qualified crime scene technician.”  
  
“And an all around good egg,” Kono adds with a wink.  
  
“Thank you,” Max replies, sounding pleased. “It’s a most interesting field of study, as you can imagine.”  
  
“Max,” Steve interrupts before he can continue to wax poetic about studying the dead and how they got that way. “We don’t really have the time to chew the fat.”  
  
“No, of course not,” Max agrees. “How might I best assist?”  
  
“Oh, hey Max,” Danny says when he joins them. “What’s cooking?”  
  
“As I was saying to the Commander, I happened to hear of the most recent fire and came to lend a hand.”  
  
“Huh,” Danny says. “I had my apple today. Thought that would keep you away.”  
  
“Very droll,” Max replies, returning his attention to Steve. “Commander?”  
  
“Yeah,” Steve says, ignoring the bickering. It’s just them – two peas in a pod as far as he’s concerned. “Do you think you can help the fingerprint techs? It’s a long shot but we’re treading water at this point.”  
  
“Certainly,” Max agrees, turning to go that way.  
  
“Don’t egg him on,” Steve scolds Danny quietly when Max is out of ear shot.  
  
Danny shrugs, smiling up at Steve in a way that he knows drives him nuts, in the best way possible.  
  
“Find out anything from the techs?” Steve asks him, studying the scene before them. Duke has gone to talk to the fingerprint experts, knowing their job is no picnic. It is hot, smellly work which in this case will undoubtedly be as pointless as the last five attempts to find prints.  
  
“Nothing we don’t already know,” Danny says, turning to Chin. “You?”  
  
“Nope,” Chin says. “Patrol is canvassing for witnesses but I doubt it will be any help. These two blocks are mostly deserted. We’d probably have better luck reading tea leaves.”  
  
“Probably,” Steve says, looking for Kono. She’s talking with Charlie Fong who looks cool as a cucumber. Usually he looks nervous when she’s around, but not today. “Kono.”  
  
She says something quiet to Fong before returning to the group. “Yeah?”  
  
“If you are finished chatting up Charlie, we should get back to the office,” Steve says.  
  
“Yeah,” Kono agrees, not addressing his remark about Charlie.  
  
“Duke,” Steve calls. “We’re going back to HQ. Let us know if any cream rises to the top.”  
  
“You got it,” Duke agrees.  
  
“Let’s go to Kamekona’s,” Danny suggests. “We can grab lunch and see if we can milk him for any information.”  
  
“Sounds good,” Steve says, getting the agreement of Kono and Chin as well. “You want to invite Charlie?”  
  
“Stop,” Kono says, going to Chin’s car to wait for him.  
  
“Keep it up and you’re going to find yourself in a pretty pickle,” Chin warns, trying for stern.  
  
Steve shrugs, turning for the Camaro. “I’ll butter her up and she’ll forgive me.”  
  
“I hope so,” Chin says.  
  
“Don’t tease Kono,” Danny says mildly as Steve drives them out of the harbor.  
  
“You abuse Max,” Steve points out. He didn’t mean it to sound like they were engaged in tit-for-tat but it came out that way, even to his own ears.  
  
“Max doesn’t report to me,” Danny reminds him. “That’s a whole different kettle of fish.”  
  
“Has she said something to you?” Steve asks, concerned for real now that he’s upset the apple cart. It was never his intent.  
  
“No,” Danny admits. “But… well.” He waves his hand in a familiar gesture. It can mean anything from ‘there’s a mosquito in the car’ to ‘Grace misses seeing you.’ It is sometimes hard for Steve even to be sure.  
  
“Don’t you think that if she objected, she’d tell me? She’s not exactly shy,” Steve points out, only a small amount of guilt in his voice.  
  
“Except for that part of her that is crushing on you,” Danny says, looking out his window at pineapple fields whizzing by them.  
  
“What?” Steve asks, his surprise genuine. Danny always knows when Steve tries to deflect, or out-and-out lie. This is not one of those times.  
  
“Babe,” Danny says, shifting to face Steve who is fortunately keeping his eyes on the road. Steve’s very fine cheeks are painted with the lightest shade of peach.  
  
“No, really, Danno. You need to spill the beans,” Steve insists.  
  
“Kono has a crush on you, Babe. How is this news to you? Not the _wow I wish I could lick whipped cream off of his abs_ kind of crush.”  
  
“That’s the kind you have,” Steve smirks, getting a light backhand for his efforts.  
  
“Guilty as charged,” Danny agrees. “Kono wants to _be_ you. She thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread.”  
  
“You are kidding, right?” Steve asks, glancing over at Danny. But Danny looks serious. This is something Steve must consider.  
  
“Babe,” Danny says, disappointment and affection all sandwiched in that word. “Relish the hero worship. It won’t last forever.”  
  
“Hero worship,” Steve repeats. “Why don’t I know this already?”  
  
“Because #1 – you are not a father. And #2 – you are who you are.”  
  
“I’m not a father?”  
  
“I recognize the signs from seeing them in Gracie,” Danny says. “And for all your mad combat skills, you are a walking example of someone who feasts on humble pie.”  
  
“What does that mean?” Steve asks, still mulling over all that Danny has said.  
  
“You are incapable of being arrogant,” Danny says.  
  
“You call me arrogant all the time,” Steve retorts, even more confused.  
  
“No, I call you lots of other things but not that,” Danny corrects. “You could be arrogant. Most people who have accomplished all that you have would be feeling their oats. But not you. You’re always sure that there was one more thing you could have done to fix whatever is broken. Even if it means jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, you’ll make that effort to protect those you love.”  
  
“Huh,” Steve says, chewing on what Danny has told him. “Would you be telling me this if you didn’t love me?”  
  
“Dude. It’s _why_ I love you the way I do,” Danny says, reaching over to circle Steve’s wrist with his warm fingers. “That, and the fact that you are the walking definition of finger lickin’ good.”  
  
“As you proved last night,” Steve reminds him, pulling up next to Chin’s car. He leans over for a quick kiss before shifting to open his door.  
  
“You aren’t going to tell Kono what I said, are you? I know you sometimes aren’t so good with interpersonal communication.”  
  
“I wouldn’t repeat it for all the tea in China,” Steve assures him.  
  
“Okay. Good,” Danny says, leaving his side of the car.  
  



End file.
